apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
