well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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