If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
