My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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