Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
