Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
