Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
