apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
