I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
