These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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