Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I would fuck him just for his dog
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
