I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
