I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
