You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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