SEEEEXXX PLEASE
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
