fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
