I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
