Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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