We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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