my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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