who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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