she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
