If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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