Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
