One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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