I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
