Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
