I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
