I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
