Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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