it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
