I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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