How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
false alarm, still single
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
