The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
