Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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