So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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