So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
