when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You are the jesus of drinking
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
