3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It's rum buckets o'clock
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
