that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
