What tipped you off? The sombrero?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
