i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
