Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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