i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
