For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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