I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
