it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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