I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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