My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
