He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
